What Might Have Been

This is a song I loved long before but it's only now that I could really relate to it.

Somewhere, lost in the wind
I'm watching you
Sunlight touching your hair
And I remember
Somehow, we said that we would never stray
But somehow we lost our way
Promises too often spoken
Are easily broken apart

I'm ready this time
I know that I'm no longer undecided
Don't wanna be
A fool wondering what might have been

Trace of forever lingering
Drawing me closer to you
A new beginning
Now I know
There is no doubt I understand
Just how fragile love can be
I can't forget
Your mem'ry found me
Now I know where I belong

I'm ready this time
I know that I'm no longer undecided
Don't wanna be a fool wondering
What might have been
Through every day, into the night
With only love to guide us
I'm ready to go, coz I've got to know
What might have been
Let the lovin' decide, I can't run, I can't hide

I want you to know
My heart will show that I'm ready this time
I know that I'm no longer undecided
Don't wanna be, a fool wondering what might have been
I've searched everywhere, and nothing compares
When we've got love to guide us
I'm ready to go, coz I wanna know what might have been
I'm wondering what might have been
We're gonna find what might have been
Oh I wanna know what might have been.


-=xii=-

The Real Deal

Yesterday there was joy
Now there is none
You didn't have me at hello
Still everything begun

Everything was great,
you and i
But there was so much to take
So much tears in our eyes

Fights were normal
That's what everybody says
I believed them all
And went on with the days

Suddenly it became clear
What's going on is all too real
I have to walk away amidst my fear
It's just not the same and I can't deal.

TagayTagay in Tagaytay

Breakfast + AM Snacks + Lunch + PM Snacks + Dinner + Pulutan = Unwanted Fat

Saturday Night + Red Horse + Jose Cuervo = Bangenge

Sunday Night + Red Horse + Jose Cuervo + Grape Lambanog = Bangag

Bangenge + Bangag = Thoughtlessness

Annix + Sha + Mitch = Powerpuff Girls

Powerpuff Girls + "Talks" = TG!!! [haha!]

I miss them already...

I miss it...

I miss...

I want to go back to Tagaytay...

I want to go back...

I want to go...

Masochistic Realization

I am crazy. I am down and blue and what songs do I listen to over and over? Usher's Burn. Gabrielle's Out of Reach. MYMP's Only Reminds Me of You. Tamia's Smile.

WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?

Why do I do things knowing it's not gonna bring me smiles? Why do I do things that I don't want to? Why do I do things that hurt?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know..maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. -Meredith Grey [still=p]

Twisted

"Anung nangyare sayo? Bakit ang payat payat mu na? Adik ka?"

Hmm..Let me think. Never have I taken any illegal drug so I can't be addicted to any. Alcohol. I've been having it for weeks for class. I had it last night. Not for class though. For me.

What can't you do with alcohol? Bottles of Red Horse and shots of tequila clouds your mind of all memories you want to forget--for the mean time.

Impulsive. That's me according to Pammy. I wouldn't beg to disagree. He's right. I am impulsive. I make hasty decisions all the time.

People don't just act or do something for no reason. I had reasons. INVALID ones, they say. Yet, no matter how much I squeeze my head to find VALID ones, I simply can't. Probably it's not something cognizant. Maybe it's something emotional. I could've been hurt and I am fearful of getting hurt more so I try to avoid it as early as now by staying away from the cause. Don't you think?

I love cab rides. No, I used to love cab rides. I have a blog way back in 2006 that is only dedicated to that. It was different last night. I was with Pammy. Only with Pammy. We weren't laughing or giggling like before. I was unusually quiet [which made him laugh by the way]. The music? OMG the music! Since when did I hate freakin' Careless Whisper and The One You Love? I mean, I don't like it but I don't care about it playing over manong driver's radio. I despised it last night. Only I know why. What was the next song? Kyla's Love Will Lead You Back. What the f*ck?! As Miranda said, people are stupid and just wants to be loved. That's the only reason anyone does anything. Screw that song.

So back to my cab ride. It was really different. I wasn't looking forward to going home. I wasn't into staying in the cab either. When we got to Tramo, the sky was not dark. I even told Pammy about it. It looked like 5am when it was only past 1. It reminded me of the time I so loved my cab rides in the wee hours of the morning. It was relieving and comforting. Unlike last night. Plus the stars around the trees of Makati! I loved it before! They were cute! Last night, they were dull. No light, just plain white stars. When I dropped Pammy to their house, my cab ride was more uncomfortable. I was fidgety. I don't know if I would sit near the door like I used to or in the middle. I don't know if I would lean or not. Freakin' cab ride.

I wasn't sleepy when I went to bed. I had to text someone to talk to me while I'm up. I had to text someone 'coz that's what I used to do. I had to text someone to rant and share what occurred in my long day. But that didn't happen. I was listening to my ipod and my texts were:

"videoke tayo! dali! bukas!"

"cge eto: tententenenen so much hurt so much pain takes awhile to regain what is lost inside and i hope that in time you'll be out of my mind i'll be over you but now i'm so confused my heart's bruised was i ever loved by you out of reach so far i never had your heart out of reach couldn't see we were never meant to be tententenenen..oh go ur turn!"

"hmm..it's gonna burn for me to say this, but it's coming from my heart it's been a long time coming but we've been fell apart, really wanna work things out but i don't think you're gonna change, i do but you don't think it's best we go our separate ways..ikw na ulet!"

"anu ba yan ang corny! don't sleep i'm still up! anu ka ba!"

So adik ba ku? Well, from a plain cab ride, songs over the radio, the color of the sky, the stars decorating Makati, to being impulsive and unreasonable, siguro nga adik aku.

But no..it still isn't true that people just wants to be loved and that it's the only reason anybody does anything. Pain can make someone do anything as well. It's not only love. It can't be only love.

Sad But True

MEREDITH: "What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."

MEREDITH: "People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers."

I Am Grey

It's so hard to put into words exactly what I am feeling right now or what the hell I am going through. Maybe some of Meredith Grey's can do it for me.

* * *

Meredith: Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.

Meredith: The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.

Meredith: But, by far, the hardest thing you can give a patient is the truth. The truth is hard. The truth is awkward and very often the truth hurts. I mean, people think they want the truth. But do they really?

Meredith: In life, only one thing is certain, apart from death and taxes. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover... there’s really only one thing you can say.

Meredith: I don't know anyone who isn't haunted by something or someone. And whether we try to slice the pain away with a scalpel or shove it in the back of a closet ... our efforts usually fail. So the only way we can clear out the cobwebs is to turn a new page or put an old story to rest.... finally, finally to rest.

Meredith: "Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely."

Meredith: It goes away. The feeling. That feeling that you have right now... today... that feeling like you can do anything. That clarity... It goes away. And you go right back to being the coward who can’t tell the person you love how you feel.

Curiosity Killed Who?

What you don't know won't hurt you. True. Very true.

I ruined my day from having to know more.

Now I am pissed off. Upset. Confused.

I want to go back to the younger me; back when I was 18.

I want to back off and back out.

I want to stop and finish everything.

I don't think I can continue with this any longer...

and I'm dead serious.

12

It's the twelfth again! Another month has been added.

Nobody said it would be easy...

But it was more than worth it. :)

Grey Area

When girls are in love, we tend to associate every song, every line, and every movie with how we feel or how we are. I was able to finish the entire DVD of the last season of Grey's Anatomy and I so loved it. The romantic shmuck that I am, of course, I have to be one of those ladies who feel that they are in the shoes of one character or the other. For me, I was like Meredith. Well, excluding the mistress fact and her one-night stands. Derek, would be Rey, also excluding the Addison fact. Let me share with you some lines that really made me smile and say, "Annix, is that you?"--


MEREDITH: "If you want to break up with me...just do it. Just end it, if that's what you want."

DEREK: "I can't."

MEREDITH: "Sure you can, here's how it goes. Meredith, I don't want to see you anymore. Meredith, I don't love you anymore."

DEREK: "Meredith, I do love you. Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone, not your friends, but you leave me.."

[see? she's so me! he's so him! my friends could attest to these lines! waah!]

Meredith: Stop. I do not need rescuing.

Derek: You would've drowned in the bathtub had I not been there.

Meredtih: I'm a surgeon. i do not need rescuing. You are not my knight-in-shining... whatever.

Derek: So we're gonna fight because i pulled you out of the tub?

Meredith: You have a place, you could sleep at it. And you didn't have to pull me out of the bathtub. You're everywhere all the time saying things.

Derek: This is the happily ever after part. And in the happily ever after part the guy is there, all the time saying things. And the girls love it!

Meredith: Go to work. I'll see you there.

Derek: Just for the record, I am your knight-in-shining whatever.

[rey and annix. clearly. annix the "mataray" and rey the understanding one. hehe. rey coming to "rescue" me and then hear me complaining about it. if you were with us yesterday, you would've witnessed.]


DENNY: "Do you know what kind of miracle it is that Derek is who he is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like him even exists? He's still an optimist! He still believes in true love and magic and soulmates. He's waiting for you. And if you don't come back from this, you will change who he is."

[now this line i've heard from my friends endless times.]

Gosh. I can't wait for the next season of Grey's.

Something Fishy

Teasing people can be so much fun whether the people being teased ride with it or get irked by it. I don't get the hang out of teasing.

Lately, I've been teasing two good friends of mine. They are both single so I joke that they have a romantic relationship going on and that they're just hiding it. Hehe. It's cute 'coz they don't react against it. They merely laugh it off, no defensiveness, only laughters from the two of them and the people around us.

I found out very recently that one particular girl was getting pissed off by it. Take note: she's not involved in any of my teasing; her name was never mentioned. She's not the guy's girlfriend, neither an ex, nor do they have what they call a mutual understanding. Nada. So why is she fuming? It is because she is in love with our guy friend. Haha!

It's not the first time I encountered a girl going furious for the reason that the man she overly adores is being paired with another girl. Been there, done that.;) I wasn't the silly girl though, I was the girl being paired. Hahaha! Being the brat that I am, knowing that someone is irritated, I provoke her more. Haha! I make the "girl in love" green-eyed with jealousy. Hahaha! With the present case, I tease my two good friends all the more when the other girl is around! Hahahaha! I am mean.

Until now I don't understand why there are girls who go gaga over guys who are not and do not go gaga over them. I don't know why there are girls who would kill and fight for the guys they drool over when the guys would not even offer a punch for them. Fortunately, I am not one of them. I wouldn't force myself to someone who doesn't even like me. Hello? That's so pathetic! That's a clear sign of desperation!

There are plenty of fish in the sea and you don't run after them to catch one. How do fisherfolks do that? They put a net and wait for fish to come to them. Come to think of it. If fishers would swim after a fish, they would only get one. However, if they wait for them to find their way to the net, what will they have? A school of fish in different varieties to choose from. Wouldn't that be a hell lot better?:)

As for me, a girl can go crazy over my fish and I would even be proud! Haha!

Matters of the Heart

I have a heart problem. Please don't tell me that you think it's related to my boyfriend and I. Puh-lease. I'm talking about a medical condition. I won't try to elaborate piece by piece. It's as simple as this: I am prone to a cardiac arrest anytime. I can't be too giddy, too sad, too angry, or too worried. My doctor prescribed me a medicine I must bring everywhere I go if ever something happens. I never took it from the day I had it. Not until last night.

I was really feeling tired the entire day though I was at home. I had a class at 6pm and usually, I prepare myself at 2:30 so as not to be late since I tend to take too long. Yesterday, I felt like not going to school but I don't want to absent myself. I'm honestly trying to be as serious as I can be with school because I know that whatever I do now will have an impact on what I can be years from now. I left the house at past 5. I was already outside the gate when I went back to take an aspirin for the reason that I was having chest pains. Halfway to school and the pain was still there. It was getting worse. I ignored it. It was 6pm when my face flashed in the monitor of the ID scanner. I got scared because the pain was still there and it was unlike those I had before. In the past, it was just like a headache. Last night, it was excruciating. I couldn't take my medicine 'coz tita accidentally brought it with her in Bacolod. I texted mommy to pick me up for it.

It was the first time I asked my mom to do that. I didn't realize she was going to call my sister, and then my sister was going to tell her COSCA friends, Rey, and then Rey was going to call tita who is a thousand miles away. In class, I was acting normally. Hello? I don't want to let the world know that I feel like I might collapse any time soon or something. I had no idea that Rey kept on calling me at my Globe mobile and that Arem and my sister are running around La Salle looking for me!

I answered Arem's call and he told me to meet them at the Central Plaza. Imagine my amazement when on my way out of Miguel, he was on his way in, sweating! When we got to the central plaza, turned out aside from the two of them, Ate Tina, Elaine, and Rolan were there waiting for me!

I answered Rey's call and he was so worried about what was going on. FYI, I didn't tell him anything 'coz I didn't want to bother him at work. Plus, I don't want to make a big deal out of it. Although they already did!

It was my first time I took that medicine. It was sublingual, I had to place it under my tongue until it dissolves completely. Weird.

I concluded that I almost had 'it' since I was super stressed and sleep-deprived because of school lately--papers for research, SLEs for xgrothe, reports and what not. It had been more than 6 months of rest for me so I guess the sudden stress attack constituted to it.

Anyway, I really got surprised about how people reacted last night. It felt satisfying to have people who are real friends. It felt good to know the people we can count on in terrible times. It felt nice knowing people care about you. Heaven is indeed a place on earth.:)

To Arem--you are a great person :) I hope you and Sandy truly become a couple!! Seriously!!:) thank you!

To Elaine--you are lovely in and out :) thank you!

To Ate Tina--Happy Birthday!:) stay sexy!;) thank you much!

love it is

Last night, over beer and tortillos, our Xgrothe [Group Therapy] class gathered once again at Tulyase laughing ang talking [with sense, that is]. Questions were exchanged when Sir Bob suddenly gave an interesting one: "Have you ever been loved the way you want to?"

I was the first to give an answer, "yes." Everyone answered as required. I was quick with my reply 'coz I am sure with it. I don't have to ponder neither have second thoughts.

It was only when I woke up today that I thought of the question. No more noise, alcohol, and chips. I wasn't rethinking of my answer. I was contemplating on the NO responses. I believe that each of us loves someone the best way we could. Yet, as individuals, we're different. He may love her in this manner, and she may love him in another. The same thing goes with the way all of us want to be loved--in dissimilar means.

A year ago, I would have probably answered the same question with a NO. Why? It's because a year ago, I still haven't learned what I had just said. I used to always whine about how he is not as this or that like me. Worse, I compared him with others. Now, he helped me realize that even if we are alike in more than a dozen things, we are not the same in more than a dozen things, too and that does not exclude the way we love.

Until now, I don't want his being manongly-protective at times. He doesn't want my carino brutal most of the time. But for him, it's the best way to love me. For me, that's the best way to love him. That's how he loves me. That's how I love him.

I guess we gotta keep this in mind:

Not because someone doesn't love us the way we want them to doesn't mean they don't love us with all they've got.

Fish & Our Company

"Fish are friends, not food." -Finding Nemo

I always say that line everytime I would get asked if I want to eat fish. Obviously I don't. I am a pork-beef-chicken-lamb-anything-but-fish type of person. I eat fish at times. But I am really picky. I like the big ones only for the reason that I hate having to take off the bones. With the likes of tuna or blue marlin, it is relatively easy. So Rey got surprised when I said I loved the seafood at Fish & Co. They had pork and chicken but heck, of course I had to try their fish. It was amazing. They didn't name their fish and chips as The Best Fish and Chips in Town for nothing. They were true to their name. The servings are generous. The Baked Salmon was really delectable. The Peppercorn Mahi Mahi was great. The bottomless strawberry lemonade was oh-so-yummy.

Last Saturday, Rey and I went to the Mall of Asia. After looking around, I complained of aching legs. For that reason, Rey decided to for us to get a snack and lounge at Cheesecake etc. After staying there for hours [literally], we had dinner at Fish & Co. Yey!=) It was his first time to dine there and he ordered the Porkchops Basilico and I ordered my favorite Fish and Chips. The serving of the Porkchops was not only big--it was huge! While we were eating, he kept on saying how good our food were. It made me happy knowing he loved it.=) We hang out at my house after and he was already planning on when to go back at Fish & Co.!

It was past one in the morning when he left. Saturday was simply a wonderful day. Apart from all the food we had, it was because we got to spend time together. At the end of the day, my Belgian Double Cream Cheesecake wouldn't be as delightful as it was if he had not been at my side. Our dinner wouldn't be as enjoyable if we didn't get to enjoy it together.

Sweet.:)